dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
