Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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