phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I party with great urgency now.
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