oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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