Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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