From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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