How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I can't put those talents on a resume
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Randomize
