$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
You dont lie about slip and slides
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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