the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
