can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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