Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You have to summon your inner elephant
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
