I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
