weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
