she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
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