found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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