Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i already hear my dad disowning me
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
