watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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