omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
