and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
we're so committed to being not committed
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
