He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
