Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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