Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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