Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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