Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
we're so committed to being not committed
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
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