I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
There are leaves in my underwear?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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