theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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