two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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