Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
