Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
