I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
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