I have demons in me.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
of course. lets lasso hookers.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
