Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Randomize
