Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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