Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
