Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
