another moral hangover. fuck.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
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