she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Randomize
