Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
