Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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