I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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