I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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