and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
