Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
