if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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