On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
