I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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