whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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