No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
