come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
