I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Randomize
