No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
