If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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