I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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