mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
