I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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