Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Randomize
