I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
