i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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