I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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