Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
