Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
