You really coming over, don't trick.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
