friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
