eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
